I’ve spent the last two hours playing WOW and trying to escape into another life for a while. It was working, mostly. I had a shitty day…and it had nothing at all to do with work, of course. It started with a shitty night last night and it took all of my emotional energy to fake it through the day. Putting my drama on the back burner only works when I throw myself into distractions. My charge was not really obliging…my attempts to engage were met with laughter and a dismissive turn of the heels. She really wanted to do her own thing…and I let her. But, I couldn’t focus on my studies in the non-interactive times and I really didn’t feel like cooking. I’m drained…so I guess it’s good that she didn’t want much from me, in retrospect. When her husband came home, I had to ask him the humiliating question of putting my roommate’s name on the check instead of mine. I know I could’ve signed it over to him, but it felt like that would be even more stressful. I’ve had checks signed over to me that the bank would not deposit and knowing my luck lately, that’s precisely what would’ve happened…and I’m not positive that I could get the bank to cash the entirety of the check…which I desperately needed for rent. With a warm, fatherly smile, he had me follow him upstairs to his office. I looked at the pictures on the walls while he wrote the check out to me. I commented on how beautiful his family is and he told me stories about the pictures. I wanted to say it gave me hope, but the thought alone in light of everything else brought a lump to my throat. I don’t know why that thought makes me want to cry…whether it’s because I need to believe it so desperately or because I really am entirely hopeless.
I came home and had the last of my crown royal with a soda from the liquor store on the corner. I watched ‘Poetry’ and lost myself in the melancholy beauty of the film. I should’ve been relieved after, but I needed more of an escape. So, wow it was until my roommate came home with the mail.
Someday had something of mine…Christ, I don’t even like than name for her because I would die a happy woman if I never see her face, hear her name or THINK of her again…but, alas, it’s the name I chose when I was dumb enough to fall for the bitch. I stood warned. I knew I stood warned and I didn’t care. I know she felt something for me…you can’t fake connections like that. But, I didn’t want to believe her when she told me how deeply emotionally fucked up she is. She said one of the last times I heard from her that she is happy she met me because I made her realize she could be loved again. Hurray for me. I gave her the confidence to go out and snag herself what she really wanted…a sugar mama. She probably wove tails of lie after lie about me to this woman who is no doubt possessive, but equipped to give her what she wants…an escape from living with grandma. I was shaking with adrenaline when I saw the unfamiliar scrawl and her girlfriend’s name in the return address. What was inside the envelope was nothing but a folded up piece of notebook paper that says, “I believe this belongs to you. Thanks. Sugar Daddy & Someday”. At that point, I was shaking with rage…I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. I wanted to scream with rage…punch holes in the wall…break something…everything. FUCK YOU BOTH. I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve any of the ridiculous shit that woman did to me…all because I committed the grave sin of loving the woman I knew she could be. But, she didn’t have the same values I did. I was blinded to that. If I’d been financially able to be her knight in shining armor, I think things would’ve gone differently, I imagine. Unless she IS truly sick in the head. I tried to be kind and understanding. It was a relief to talk to someone who felt as trapped as I did in their life. She needed rescuing, too. Love alone sustained me…but, she aptly said that she had enough love in her life from her children. Another kick in the gut. Christ. I don’t even want to think of her anymore…and it is my fervent wish that this cerebral emesis will exorcise this demon…this final fuck you from the universe along with an overdraft notice.
I am so tired of crying…and I keep trying to keep them at bay, but they threaten with ferocity that often ends in a defeated sob.
Why do I try? I try SO hard to live my life with a positive attitude and hope for the future, but I feel like I get fucked at every turn no matter how many fucking affirmations I repeat in my obsessive compulsive mind. I feel like my brain’s hemispheres just don’t connect well enough to be able to process all of these feelings into something I can get out. Was starting over worth it? Was seeking myself worth it? I feel like a failure. I know I’ve achieved a lot in the last year and I know I should be proud of myself…I just can’t get past this horrible feeling I can’t put words to. I’m not even sure words exist for it in the english language. Anguish, frustration, melancholy, sadness…It’s like only being able to describe primary colors when what you really want is a tertiary. Broke, tired, pathetic, defeated. Drunk…and smoking like a chimney.
I need to escape somehow…I need to fast forward to a better time. I’m tired of always telling myself that it’s not far away.
This would be really good with ground beef and fresh onions, but I’m all out.
Directions
- 1 T minced garlic
- 1 T onion flakes (or half a fresh onion)
- 1 T olive oil
- 1 t cumin
- 1 t chili powder
- 1 t cajun seasoning
- 1 T chipotle powder or to taste
- 1 bag quorn crumbles (or any vegetarian meat crumble)
- 2 7oz cans El Pato Salsa de Jalapeno or Tomato
- 1 7oz can Chipotle Sauce
- 1 can black beans
- 1 T brown sugar
- splash of Balsamic Vinegar to taste
Saute Onion and Garlic in olive oil for three minutes. Add seasonings and crumbles. Saute until crumbles are cooked through. Add the rest of the ingredients through vinegar. Simmer, covered for 45 minutes. Stir and add balsamic vinegar to taste.
The seasonings are all approximate. I eyeball everything.
That’s Pasta with leftover steak, not leftover pasta. We had two ribeyes that didn’t get finished on Saturday, so I threw this one together last night and it was surprisingly good.
Steak Pasta
- 1/2 lb leftover steak (or however much you have), thinly sliced
- 1 T Olive Oil
- 1 T Butter
- 3 cloves garlic
- 1/4 C peppers (more would have been good, but not for my vege-phobe)
- 1/4 C onions
- 1 t minced capers
- 1/2 t Basil
- 1/2 t Parsley
- 1/2 lb hot cooked linguine
- 1 t grated parmesan cheese
- salt and pepper to taste
In a large skillet, heat oil and butter. When shimmering, add onions and peppers until softening. Add garlic and saute until golden. Add minced capers and stir to combine. Lower heat to medium-low and add steak. Warm steak through, being careful not to overcook. Add linguine and mix until coated. Toss with parmesan, season to taste and serve. This is good hot or cold.
My Fruitpie really liked this menu. The salsa is one of her summer favorites.
Spice Rubbed Pork
- 1lb (or so) pork loin roast
- 1/4 C kosher salt
- 1/4 C sugar
- 2 T Brown Sugar
- 2 t Cinnamon divided
- 6 C water
- 1 t Ground Cumin
- 1 t Chili Powder
- 1/2 t Paprika
- 1/2 t Amchur (or lemon pepper)
Combine salt, sugars and 1t cinnamon with 6 cups water. Stir until dissolved. Place pork in a container or plastic bag with brine mixture and refrigerate for eight to twelve hours. Do not brine for much longer than that or it will be more like ham than pork. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. In a small bowl, mix remaining spices plus remaining teaspoon of cinnamon. Remove pork from brine, pat dry and rub with spice mixture. Put pork in a roasting pan and let cook until temperature reaches 155 degrees; about 45 minutes. Let sit for ten minutes before slicing.
Avocado-Corn Salsa
- 2 large Tomatillos
- 3 small Avocados
- 2 ears corn
- 1/3 C red onion chopped
- 2 garlic cloves, minced
- 1 T lemon or lime juice
- 1-1/2 t Tamarina (found in Indian markets and some supermarkets)
- salt to taste
Remove husks from tomatillos, wash and broil or grill until skin is slightly charred. Chop into quarters and add to food processor. Chop two avocados and place them in the food processor with the tomatillos. Add onion and garlic and blend until smooth. Add Tamarina, juice and salt to taste. Shuck and scrape two ears of corn into a large bowl. Chop remaining avocado and mix with corn. Pour tomatillo mixture into corn mixture and gently blend. Chill.
Rice & Black Beans
- 1 T olive oil
- 1/2 C chopped onion
- 1/2 C chopped red bell pepper
- 3 garlic cloves, minced
- 1/2 C water
- 1 t chili powder
- 1/2 t cajun seasoning (Tony Chachere)
- 1/2 t ground cumin
- 1/2 t dried oregano
- 1/2 t thyme
- 1/4 t ground red pepper
- 1 t brown sugar
- 1 (15-ounce) can black beans, rinsed and drained
- 1 C hot cooked long-grain rice
- Black Pepper to taste
In a large, heavy pot or saucepan, heat oil. Saute onions and pepper until tender and add garlic. Saute until garlic is golden and add the next nine ingredients (through beans). Stir until well combined and let simmer until beans are tender. Remove from heat and stir in rice. Season with black pepper to taste.
I had never made this before, but Fruitpie requested it this morning so I made it up as I went.
- 2lb chicken pieces
- 4 C ice water
- 1 C White Vinegar
- 1 C Apple Cider Vinegar
- 1 C flour
- 1 t Goya Adobo
- 1 t Creole Seasoning
- 1 t black pepper
- 1/4 t paprika
- 1/4 t garlic powder
- 1/2 C panko
- Oil for frying
Fill a large bowl with first four ingredients and set aside. In an 8×8 baking dish (or other shallow dish/pan), mix together flour, panko and seasonings. Heat oil in a heavy pot or pan (I used my cast iron pot for lack of skillet). Fill to about 1/4 inch depth. Heat over medium high heat until shimmering. Dredge first batch of chicken pieces (however many will fit in the pot) in the flower mixture and add to pot. Cook for about ten minutes on each side and drain on a rack. (Paper towels will work if rack is unavailable, but it will not be as crunchy) Continue until all of the chicken is cooked.
I had a can of mystery beans in the pantry forever. The label had long ago fallen off and I couldn’t remember if they were cannelinis or kidneys. It turns out they were small kidney beans.
- 1/2 red onion diced
- 1/2 red pepper diced
- 3 garlic cloves minced
- 1 packet sazon
- 1/2 ham bouillon cube
- 2 T olive oil (I’m guessing)
- 1 T brown sugar
- 1 15oz can beans
- Salt & Pepper to taste
Heat oil in heavy sauce pan over med-high heat. Add onion and pepper and saute until soft. Add garlic and saute until golden…add more oil if neccessary. Sprinkle with sazon and dissolve in ham cube. Open can of beans, leaving lid slightly attached. Keep lid covering beans and rinse under sink until liquid runs clear. Pour beans w/water in can into the pot and add brown sugar. Stir to dissolve sugar, reduce heat and simmer until thickened. Add salt & pepper to tast and a little chipotle powder if you’d like it a little spicy.
This is insanely simple, but my girl likes it. I have a ton of variations.
1 or 2 bananas
1T lemon juice
1 C crushed vanilla wafers (I love the ones at Henry’s, but Nilla will do)
1/4 C melted (I Can’t Believe it’s Not or real) butter
1 large package Jello sugar-free Banana Cream or Vanilla pudding mix
2 1/2 C Milk
Cool Whip
Slice bananas and mix with lemon juice.
In a separate bowl, mix melted butter with cookie crumbs and press into a pie dish. It will be crumbly, but do what you can to at least cover the bottom of the dish. Layer half of the sliced bananas over the crumbs.
In another bowl, mix the pudding mix with the milk as directed. It will get pretty thick fairly quickly. I don’t always beat the mix for the full two minutes as long as it’s all mixed up. Carefully spread the pudding over the bananas. If there are any bananas left over, layer these on top of the pudding.
Chill for at least ten minutes, but preferably two hours. Before serving, top with cool whip.
Variations
1. add sliced strawberries to the banana mix. If they aren’t very sweet, mix them with a little splenda.
2. Pour melted chocolate over the crumbs before layering with bananas.
- melt two squares of semi-sweet chocolate with 1/2 stick of butter. Microwave on high for 90 seconds, stirring at 30 second intervals.
Add 1/4 C sweetened coconut to pudding mix. When set, sprinkle whipped cream with a little toasted coconut.
- 1/2 C brown sugar
- 1/2 C white sugar
- 1/3 C Margarine
- 1/4 C Butter
- 1 overripe banana
- 1 egg
- 1 t dark rum
- 1 1/3 C flour
- 1/2 t salt
- 1/2 t baking powder
- 1 bag chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Cream together together sugars, butter and margarine. Add rum, banana and egg and blend well. In another bowl, mix flour, salt and baking powder. Slowly fold into wet ingredients. When well mixed, add chocolate chips and blend.
Drop tablespoonfulls on a baking sheet and bake for about 8 minutes.
Yield: 3 dozen
Rack of meaty babyback pork ribs
1 sweet onion cut into eighths
1 tsp minced garlic
olive oil
adobo
montreal steak seasoning
about a 1/2 cup BBQ sauce
honey
Season ribs with tenderizer and adobo and set aside. While chopping onion and garlic, bring water to boil in a large skillet. Add onion and garlic to pot and cut rack in thirds. Add ribs to the pot and return to boil.
Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 90 minutes.
When ribs are ready, remove from skillet and preheat grill.
Place ribs on grill and baste with BBQ sauce. After about four minutes, turn and baste again. Continue until they’re just about ready to remove, intermittently sprinkling with Montreal steak seasoning. Pour honey over each side and grill for a few more minutes to glaze on. Just before removing, add more honey to meaty side.
Bring in and serve my happy Fruitpie!
I think this would be good over just about anything. I made it to glaze a ham with, but I suspect it would be delicious with ice cream or even cooked down to caramel candy goodness.
1/4 C Butter
1/2 C Brown Sugar
1 T Tamarind Concentrate (or whatever kind of Tamarind-like flavor you can get your hands on.)
1/4 C coffee (I used the stuff that had been sitting in the pot from the morning)
Melt butter in a medium saucepan. Add brown sugar and set heat to medium, stirring frequently. When the mix starts to look like caramel, add the tamarind. Stir for a minute or so until combined and add coffee. If you would like it to be more liquid, add more coffee…if you want it thicker, add less. Stir mixture for a few more minutes and kill the heat. Brush over salty meat or let cool to add to whatever sounds good.
